Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.