Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
This is sending me to another galaxy
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err