@Robert_Beau: The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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@InternetHippo: [thoughts of person talking to me]: He's furrowing his brow, he must really be listening! [my brain]: How do cows make cheese
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
@envydatropic: You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That's me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
@ojedge: [on a plane] Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff" Me: "Sure, can I have two?" *puts one in each ear*