The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
You Might Also Like
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
This is me 🤣🤣
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week