Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
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wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
listen closely
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
From Facebook just now…
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.