@UGotMeRight: The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.
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@djangogold: if you can't handle me at my worst, you're probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
@hrtbps: "I have parrot-like reflexes." "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"
@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
@UncleDuke1969: “You gotta try the lobs-” - I’ll should tell you… “Yes?” - We’re not having sex. “OK.” - What were you saying? “The chicken here’s great.”