The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
The most important meal of the day is the next one
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
our love story in four pictures
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Diabetes was the God of sugar.