The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
remember
only for emergencies
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers