the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
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[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣