the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
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The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”