The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
You Might Also Like
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to