The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife