Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.