[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
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Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game