THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: