THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.