The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you