@Cheeseboy22: The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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@funnyordie: BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate
@novicefather: I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
@ClichedOut: [first day as lifeguard] Kid: *waving dramatically* Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?