The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu