The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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so much to do
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.