@Ristolable: The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they're coming by boat. We have like three months
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@aksorojas: "Yeah, and she's not breathing. Should I call someone?" "Yes!" "Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she's not breathing."
@Donnie_Fairburn: That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn't as funny when you do it by yourself
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
@patnspankme: (during sex) Me: Is that good? Her: Real good, baby. Her mom: Good af. Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us? Her: I dunno. Mom? Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.