The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me and my fake scenarios
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.