The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Any refunds available?…
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.