@Laser_Cat: The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they'll call you in the morning!
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@ofentseprokid: I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection Why protect myself Twice?😕😒
@GensPlace: Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' That was nice...
@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I’m done ME: ruh roh