The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
You Might Also Like
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*