The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.