“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Found the job I’m suited for
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.