The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Home is where your toilet is.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?