@robdelaney: The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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@Hormonella: There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
@Brampersandon_: Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button? -IT'S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
@TheAlexNevil: *job interview HR: Can you name one of your strengths? Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle.
@Tharin_P: Why learn a second language, when you don't have anything interesting to say in your first one?