@robdelaney: The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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@jdforshort: Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to 1. Who turned the ceiling fan on 2. Why don't I have telekinetic powers
@PaperWash: *Takes ex girlfriend's poem on Antiques Road Show* Sir these are worthless *Winks at camera* Told you Karen!
@bidenandobama: Biden: why can't I log into my twitter what's everyone talking about today Obama: