@robdelaney: The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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@jerm1991: Astronaut: wtf is this NASA: it's space food A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars N: look we get it but- A: no no I'm coming down
@elizabeth_fels: PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I'll kill him ELENA: He's not! PUTIN: (softly) u...s... [bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!
@StupidSophia_: Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
@fa_que2: You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.