@omgthatspunny: The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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@angibangie: I missed my calling in advertising. "Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit."
@Bratch_Patch: "Friends are a dime a dozen." *pulls out a sack full of dimes* "Sweet, I'll take 32 dozen friends please."
@VN_Ruben: apparently, Twilight is "so popular" because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.
@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.