Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.