Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]