The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
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[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
drew a comic about my origin story
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.