The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.