Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.