The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
#SCOTUS one-star review
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Dead sexy!!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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