When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Hey i am sexy to you now
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Go girl power!
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste