@shegotagronk: The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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@jimmytorosian: [Robbery] Sloth Man: I'll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep. *Runs to bank* *Reaches bank 18 hrs later* SM: How'd they escape?
@markleggett: 1- Buy a big padlock. 2- Throw the key into the ocean. 3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes. 4- Attach padlock to earlobe. 5- Run.
@thatdutchperson: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past? *flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years* ME: totes
@_SingleBabyMama: Drug commercial...Don't take this medication if you are allergic to this medication. Oh, ok. That's super helpful, thank you.