The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
You Might Also Like
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.