The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
You Might Also Like
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
british sex workers really pound for pound
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!