The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.