The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
You Might Also Like
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break