The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
You Might Also Like
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?