The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You Might Also Like
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
selena gomez
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one