The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me if I was a dog
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Happy Caturday!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies