The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Miscakes
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?