The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
You Might Also Like
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
bro what is going on at twitter
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Friday night party time 🥳
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?