The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?