The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”