The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I just tested negative for patience.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything