@FilthyRichmond: The cashier at McDonald's was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby's bottle.
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@warne888: When you're at someone's house? Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"
@ddsmidt: The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
@ch000ch: therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but- me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn't have married this snake aren't u
@Home_Halfway: Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone