The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”