@briangaar: The cashier at the grocery store just gave me an "I'm cooler than you" look. Dude I will fight you with this baby strapped to me
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Weather channel: It's going to get up into the mid-30's this afternoon but it'll still feel like it's in the teens. Me: Literally me.
@Paxochka: Champagne says I'm classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
@Sultani_Sails: Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.
@Cravin4: Pro Tip: On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called "The Many Benefits of Kegels". Is not a great idea. I know this now.