me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
You Might Also Like
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”