Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
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my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho