The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
A drum solo but on your face.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.