The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
All generalizations are stupid.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.