The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now